i've gotten so numb to this heartache after a year i just take it as a permanent contraction of the heart.
i want to go somewhere far, some place where there is no turning back, some place where i cant see you.
sorry friends, but i really am not interested in hearing about how well your boyfriend treats you, really dont want to see you people smiling at your phones ever so often.
dont want to see, dont want to know.
it helps that ayesha is such a happy go lucky person. being beside someone who is happy really helps.
over the year, i dare say that im stronger now. but i still cant focus, i still cry, i still think too much.
alot of people do that, they cry silently in the night. then they wake up go to school and pretend like nothings happened.
to these people, stay strong. stay strong yingting ! you heard me?!
aza aza hwaiting !
if you really like her or she likes you, i guess thers no point in giving you a valentines day present right. and i told you i wont give you anything anymore! oh well, shall just keep it to myself again. rah. or give it to dogay.
Wednesday, February 03, 2010{ 12:46 AM }
i was never anyone special in your life. i dont believe that theres nothing between you and her. i dont believe it. a year ago, i didnt believe it. a year after, i still dont believe it.
i dont trust you because you never tell me anything. i always tell you about school life but you just dont do that to me. does it mean its because you have others to talk to? ( no it just means you cant be bothered with me.) dont act like you are anti social telling me you dont talk to anyone on msn. i really wished i never met you. why must you be so insensitive.
when will i run out of tears for you? sick of this whole thing.
i still keep thinking about how im not good enough for you. not smart enough, not pretty enough, not the perfect one for you. but who is perfect? why cant you just accept me for who i am. am i really that lousy.
i know its time to concentrate on studies and i want to do that too. so ill go back to the 'just dreaming of you is enough and stop irritating you on msn days'. i better do it. keep saying but always go back to irritating you.
i guess when a guy doesnt like you/ has no interest in you, it just comes as irritation and disturbance when you talk to him.
actually, 5 contacts in my msn list is enough.
ayesha just told me she talked to shaun and i really wonder how he is doing. i actually miss him and his nonsensical crap. haha but who cares hor. i add him back he also wont talk to me le. things have changed.
been achieving nothing much nowadays as much as i try to do some work. more homework is piling up. hais.
did no homework today. and just woke up from sleep.
should go back to sleep.
Monday, February 01, 2010{ 6:49 PM }
hurts like hell. but wont do a thing about it.
should go to sleep.
anyway, saw this quote somewhere.
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. -C.S. Lewis
how true.
Sunday, January 31, 2010{ 6:41 PM }
woke up at 930 this morning and went for tuition at 11. maths and chem each 2hours with a 30min break in between. was almost braindead nearing the end of the math lesson but managed to stay awake for chemistry thanks to my strawberry milk tea <3. haha.
and then i met lau, because her bus just drove past the bus stop i was at and i only managed to catch a glimpse of her, decided to follow her to bpp to look for clothes for new year after which she followed me to teck whye to get my photos.
:D i dont know whether i should give him the photo since i have 2 copies. wanted to, but now.. maybe not.
yanyi must have some pride you know. dont wanna get insulted again.
time to do homework !
{ 2:39 AM }
yay she is 3rd and the only girl on your who is your valentines for 2010 list!
okay although its just a facebook application, this is too much of a coincidence.
you keep tagging her in notes, you 'like' her posts, and you 'like' the photos you take with her too.
life doesnt get any better.
i told myself if i were to think of you, i'd better go sleep so i would stop thinking. so i ended up sleeping the whole of today. FML.
roar.
Saturday, January 30, 2010{ 4:51 PM }
everyone is so busy with stuff. you want to talk to them and you get replied with stuff like 'sorry im busy' or like 'i g2g' after like 3hours from the previous message.
people are drifting away from me.
maybe i should stop going online.
mr ryan heng is so egoistic about himself thinking he has the right to pity me it disgusts me and things are taking a turn for the better because he is starting to disgust me. which makes it easier to get over right?
(10:35 PM) y ❤ SMT ! <: your hair so bushy barber will have hard time
after an hour later...
(11:26 PM) : haha yea ok i go le bbbb (11:26 PM) y ❤ SMT ! <: -.- (11:26 PM) y ❤ SMT ! <: whats the use of you coming online ah -.- (11:26 PM) : ? i dno (11:26 PM) y ❤ SMT ! <: oh wait (11:26 PM) : when i on com (11:27 PM) y ❤ SMT ! <: forget iasked that -.- (11:27 PM) : auto sign in? (11:27 PM) y ❤ SMT ! <: maybe you just talk to the rest hah. okay byebye. (11.27PM) : hah maybe (11:27 PM) y ❤ SMT ! <: aiyah like that i might as well delete you liao lorh. (11:27 PM) : maybe everythin all maybe your actions based on maybes? hais thats sad ok nights (11:28 PM) :( is now Offline
like. WHAT. THE. SHIT.
i know you do it okay. i know you talk to the rest and just leave my chat there.
i firmly believe that if someone was interested in talking he wouldnt go afk himself for an hour or 3hours or many hours or whatever nonsense when the person is online.
i am clearly aware of the fact that you dont like me nor are you interested in talking to me. SO WHY AM I LIKE THAT.
i am not desperate, BUT WHY CANT I FORGET SUCH A LOUSY PERSON LIKE YOU.
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
sometimes i feel suicidal, but i dont know where i can get my sleeping pills. i cant like jump out from my house because tianhui /sok khoong will probably see the mess i made downstairs. and when i think of my family and my parents who work so hard to give me an education i just cant do it. AND ITS BECAUSE OF A DUMB GUY SOMEMORE WHO WILL MAYBE SAY WHAT. 'HUH YANYI IS DEAD? oh. ' and just like forget my existence maybe 3 years down the road. IS SO NOT WORTH IT. though i think I WILL GET TO HAUNT HIM. rawr. i dont hate him. i just want to hate him . I WANT TO. pfft.
okay turning crazy already. better go study econs.
heres a video for all those feeling emo about breakups. hope this makes you feel better ! :/
Thursday, January 28, 2010{ 9:05 PM }
please do not link me if you know my blog url ! D: omgggg. later i get sent for counselling how !
!!!
Monday, January 18, 2010{ 7:50 PM }
i can only say that, losing someone is really painful. its a torture.
why do you treat this as a joke. cheap thrill for you to see me cry? to want someone so badly, isnt a good thing.
stop mocking me. stop mocking the love i have for you.
waiting for someone silently isnt hard. facing someone you love who treats you like dirt, like a joke, pierces your heart, like a thousand needles.
i dont get why im holding on to past memories.
everytime it rains, i think of the times we shared an umbrella walking from the national museum of singapore to dhoby ghaut. the time i lied to you i had no umbrella so i could talk to you longer.
everytime i watch a movie, i think of the person who used to sit beside me, and take forever to hold my hand when its just there, placed right there waiting for you to hold.
the warmth i felt from your big warm hand and the cute smile you had.
how you always made me say muu ack before i hung up the phone and i always didnt want to.
all the memories they just keep flooding me. arent they supposed to be replaced by new ones already?
i dont want to stalk you nor her. its rude, i know. i think im turning insane. all this has to stop, but where do i start.
